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[This was written for the Read metro magazine]

We see you, sir. With the diamantes on your shades glistening softly in the low mall light. Behind those dark covers rest a pair of discerning eyes, never slow to appreciate a well-formed curve or a suitably short hemline. You look every inch a man of the world, sir. Till you take a left past Zara and crash into that palm tree. You hope no one has noticed, but you know it’s far too late. All that mystique has irrevocably shattered, much like the lenses of your expensive aviators.

Some wars are bitter as old lemons in vinegar. And none, not even Apple versus Android fanboys, or Beliebers taking on Justin haters, match the rancour surrounding the wearing of sunglasses indoors. On the one side are people who do wear sunglasses indoors; on the other, just about every other inhabitant of planet Earth.

Would it be wrong to presume the need for a direct positive correlation between sun and glasses? No sun, ergo no glasses. Sources of artificial light do not count. Places that offer limited exposure to sunlight, such as the Dubai Metro, which darts from dark to light to dark again, are a grey area in the shade-wearing paradigm.

Admittedly, a true sense of fashion does not conform to the norm, or just trawl the averages. But rebellion too requires taste and proportion. One wouldn’t wear a snorkelling mask to a funeral, unless said funeral were for a favourite pet turtle. Hence, the next time you’re tempted to wear shades while trawling indoor malls, do resist. Or at the very least watch out for that palm tree to the left of Zara.